Our First Third In Review
Breakouts, Busts and More...
Weeks one through four are in the books everyone and I think we all deserve a round a of applause. Not one team in this league is either 0-4 or 4-0. This league is as competitive as ever and plenty of games have come down to the wire. Lets take a look at the different divisions and everyone's teams through four weeks as well as their chances moving forward through the next eight weeks.
Jimmy Clausen Division.
Welp, through four weeks this division is easily the worst with a total combined record of 5-10. Trevor leads the pack at 2-2 and with Dustin, Christian and Jack with records of 1-3 its anyones game still. With Christian and Dustin holding down the bottom of the league with 395.8 PF (Only team under 400) and 411 respectively, its no wonder this division also has the lowest combined PF total with 1,752.
Suspension Skwad (2-2) - 425.3 PF (8th)
Trevor and the Suspension Skwad are leading the division despite some his best players being suspended for the first 3 to 4 weeks. He has gotten off to a lucky start though and I am actually surprised he's doing so well. One of those wins was against the worst team in the league, Boner Soup and even with Bell coming back this past week and putting up 22.8 points, he was unable to put up a W. Besides his now two unsuspended players, his team has very little depth across the board and he has yet to put up more than 112 points in a game. Maybe this team can turn it around with the GOAT now in at QB. An important game against division rival Jack could have playoff implications down the road.
*Projected Wildcard
Ware In The World Is Jamaal (1-3) - 519.6 PF (3rd)
After a huge start in week one with a league wide seasons best of 166.6 Points, Ware in the World has seen his points decrease down to 104.2 in week 4. That week one score has nonetheless inflated his points for enough that he is still 3rd in that category. With top 12 players at every position through 4 weeks, this team looks good and ready for a comeback after some tough losses including an improbable 3 point loss to the Silverbacks. With Rodgers and Jordy free of their bye, Jamaal returning next week after his bye and McKinnon securing the starting job in Minnesota look for this team to make streak for the playoffs.
*Projected Division Winner
Erect Dicker (1-3) - 411.4 PF (11th)
With only having scored more than 100 points in two weeks and a one week high score of 136, Dustin is anything but Erect. Having lost his 2nd 4th and 5th round picks to injuries recently, the future does not look bright either. He does not have much depth at any position although the recent pickup of Matty Ice might be able to hold his team together if he was just smart enough to play the number one QB through 4 weeks. Panthers defense isn't that good guys. (Denvers is though...) Hopefully Zeke can continue to dominate as his only other RB is a backup RB for a backup RB. Look for Dustin and Christian to battle it out this week with a low scoring but close match-up.
Boner Soup (1-3) - 395.8 (12th)
After starting out 0-3 Christian managed to squeak out a win only after the Worcester Turtlefuckers crashed, burned and became a soldering piece of poop. With some big players on bye and his star QB possibly sitting out, everyone is wondering why this tiny Boner isn't making any moves with his depth at TE and WR. Look for Christian try to squeak is way into another W against Dustin, another struggling division rival.
Jake Delhomme Division
With the best combined record for a division at 10-6 the Jake Delhomme Division is second in combined points for at 1815, only 60 more than Jimmy Clausens. Despite that, this division still has three 3-1 teams(Max, Tyler and Dean) and one (Colby) sitting at 1-3. It'll be tough for Colby to pull himself out of the 2 game hole but with the 2nd most points for in the division, its not out of the question.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Bortles (3-1) - 527 PF (2nd)
Max started off slow in week one with a tough loss and a score of 103. His season had looked all but lost, but in weeks 2-4, his team decided to show up and has averaged 141 points per game. With solid depth all across the team, the Ninja Bortles are looking like a favorite so far to win the division. With top 12 players at every position except TE, Julio putting up 48 points a game and Ertz waiting to get on the field, these turtles are coming out of their shell. Look for a close match-up and win against Greg even with his namesake QB on bye.
*Projected Division Winner
Worcester Turtle Fuckers (3-1) - 422.9 PF (9th)
Quite the opposite of the Ninja Bortles, the Turtle Fuckers (That's not confusing) started out strong at 3-0 but has suffered a quite humiliating loss in week 4 with 74.6 points. That is now the season wide low score of the league. Besides that score, Tyler has yet to put up any score to prove he deserves a 3-1 record. With a season wide high score of 126, Tyler is just 9th overall in Points For. His mediocre team has all but turned into a full out dumpster fire this past week as Kevin White and Sammy Watkins were put on IR and notable injuries to Rawls, Jennings and Forte. Expect him to start a losing streak this week against Ethan as he has Brees and his only viable TE on bye.
Bigger Bagadicks (3-1) - 412.5 (10th)
With the 10th worst Points For total, its amazing Dean is 3-1. He has squeaked out some wins so far as his highest score of the season being 121.8 with an average score of 103. His team has some upside despite the low scores. Brady being free should boost Edelmans production significantly and maybe Eifert will return soon (just kidding hes injured again) to provide him with some depth. With no real big dick players in this bag though, I see this team struggling to stay playoff relevant through the coming weeks. He may be able to finagle another win this week as he plays Barbs who has some bye week and matchup struggles.Ashy Larry (1-3) - 452.3 (7th)
With the most points against in his division, Colby also sits in last. He does sit right in the middle of the pack with Points For though. With some tough draft busts of Micheal Floyd and Randall Cobb, his team seemed to have taken a hit although picking up Marvin Jones may have saved his teams future. Hopefully dropping Carson doesnt hurt him in the long run as Mariota has not been living up to his pre-draft hype. With some improvements in the likes of Gurley, Alshon and Cobb, this team could turn it around for playoff contention. If Ashford can pull out a W this week against a strong team led by Joseph, hes right back in it.
Chris Weinke Division
Arguably the most competetive division with a acombined record of 9-7 and combined Points For total of 2057. Well above the competition with 3 teams boasting a PF above 500 and the 4th at 490. With the two previous superbowl contenders, this division will be one of the tougher ones to clinch. I except at least on wild card out of this division.
Cincinnati Zoo Silverback (3-1) - 543.2 (1st)
Heres one team deserving of its record that will be hard to neutralize in the future. With the most Points for and the 2nd most points against, Ethan has once again shot himself to the top of league. Despite some questionable draft picks such as Amari Cooper 15th overall (Hes WR27 right now) and Tim Tebow in the 4th (He's a baseball player) The Silverbacks stand atop the Chris Weinke Division. With depth all around, the only weakness I can see its some of its players boom or bust potential. As long as he can pick the right lineup every week, This team will have definte playoff potential. Expect Ethan to show The Turtle Fuckers which animal you shouldn't fuck with.
*Projected Division Winner
You Colin Me Un-American (3-1) - 513 (4th)
With three straight wins after a week one loss, Barbs sits just behind Ethan with just 30 points less. Although looking towards the future, its not so bright. Barbs has lost his star running back in Deangelo Williams now that Bell has returned. With a couple of backups and an injured Arian Foster his RB depth could hurt him in the long run. On top of that, his first round pick with Hopkins has been a bust so far this season and it doesn't look better with a week 5 Minnesota match-up. His QB, TE and D/ST have been carrying the team so look for Barbs to suffer a humiliating loss to a bag of dicks.
*Projected Wildcard
Keenan and Crowell (2-2) - 489.8 (6th)
Even after losing Keenan and Abdullah early on in the season, and some bad roster decisions, Joe has been able to stay in the middle of the pack with a 2-2 record and 6th in Points For. His team is very unpredictable though having put up 150+ points in two weeks and average 93 in the other two weeks. With some great picks like Crabtree in the 12th and Rudolph off waivers, Joe team is a surprise playoff contender. If Brown, Anderson and Luck could bring some consistency to his team, look for Joe in a wild card spot. Expect a close win over Ashy Larry to bring him above .500.
*Projected Wildcard
Boston DirtStars (1-3) - 511.3 (5th)
With three top 12 receivers in his starting lineup and the number one kicker, Grog has managed to put up the 5th most points this season. Despite a great receiving and kicking core he still sits at the bottom of the division at 1-3. With injuries to his RB core and 2.1 points through 4 games from gronk, he has struggled. With Gronk and Brady reuniting, hopefully he can make some moves with that receiving core to help strengthen his team. Even without an RB1 and arguably and RB2, Greg still has a fighting chance to get back into his division at only 2 games behind. Look for Greg to show Max what a real dirtstar can do in a high scoring matchup this week.
Well that concludes my review of your shitty teams.
Here's some superlatives through 4 weeks.
Most Likely to Come in Last: Boner Soup
Worst Draft: Cincinnati Zoo Silverback
Most affected by injuries: Turtle Fuckers (Almost Keenan and Crowell)
